New Safer Sex Guidelines

Anonymous
April 1, 2006

Following a decade of community outreach and research on sexual transmission of the HIV virus known to cause AIDS, the $20 billion Sex Safety Project, has issued new culturally sensitive sex positive safer sex guidelines celebrating our sexual health and diversity. These guidelines are supported not only by the CDC and WHO but Bono himself. The revisions to the guidelines are seen as a great liberal victory over the sex-negative fundamentalists promoting abstinence.

White heterosexuals and some African-Americans whose tax bracket puts them in the upper classes are encouraged to carry on as per the pre-AIDS era as there is now proof they have genetic immunity to the HIV virus. However it is still not proven that white trash are as effectively protected as middle or upper class whites. The homeless of course are advised not to have sex.

The Sex Safety Project advises the following for all MSM, lesbians, and all people, regardless of sexual orientation, who are African American (exception as above), Hispanic or landed immigrants to North America.

1. As anal sex remains the number one vector of transmission, anal sex should not be practiced without three condoms. Studies show that neither a single rubber nor double bagging assures protection. Large quantities of lube containing nonoxynol-9 and benzene are also recommended. Further, poppers and meth are proven to relieve the pain of the additional latex in the rectum.
   
   This applies to MSM in monogamous relationships who have recently tested negative. A total of thirty negative tests over a ten year period are now necessary for an MSM to be declared negative to the HIV virus which is known to cause AIDS and drug side effects.
   
   
2. For heterosexuals, double bagging the penis did prove to protect during vaginal intercourse, although all but missionary positions are discouraged due to slippage. Again large quantities of microbe killing lubes are suggested.
   
   
3. Double bagging is also required for oral sex involving a penis. Large quantities of alcohol and a few hits of poppers have been proven to safely facilate gagging on latex.
   
   
4. Heterosexual men practicing oral sex with women can protect themselves using dental dams, although at least two are required. A condom covering the tongue adds a sense of security and safety.
   
   
5. Lesbians are encouraged to buy regular garbage bags, cut them into a single sheet, and use these as body condoms. They are quite versatile and unlike the case of MSMs or heterosexuals surprisingly garbage bags do not inhibit erotic sensation between lesbians.
   
   
6. The Sex Safety Project has decided that all forms of fisting are distasteful and must be discontinued. Gloves are not proven to protect lesbian partners. The only safe fisting is no fisting.
   
   
7. A single condom cut into a sheet has proven effective in blocking transmission of the HIV virus during kissing. As long as there are no cuts or open wounds on the skin, touching is a safer activity. In the event of cuts and scrapes please see 5 above and also use gloves of a material no thinner than one half inch.
   
   
8. For MSM each partner should wear two condoms during mutual masturbation as well as latex gloves. Men should only masturbate women while wearing two latex gloves (but we stress this does not protect lesbians, see 5 above.) Women are advised to wear latex gloves while masturbating men even if their partner is wearing two or or more condoms.
   
   
9. If you should worry that despite precautions you have contracted the HIV virus, you should immediately start 1,000 mg of AZT per day as a precautionary measure.
   
   
10. There was great debate over SM practices and strong feelings of distate. Cutting however is safe if all instruments and the bottom being cut are thoroughly washed with straight bleach before and after the cutting. No further guidelines have been issued on SM, although because gerbils do not carry the HIV virus, the urban legend is considered a safe sex practice.